I've written five books on gay issues, discussed them on Oprah and on another 200 television and radio talk shows in the past dozen years, and answered countless letters and E-mails from people seeking advice. So it was particularly shocking to discover that my 10-year-old nephew, Ryan, believed that gay people were something awful. I thought I'd been open and honest, but clearly the message hadn't gotten through.
This is what happened: Last year, when I was working on a new gay Q&A book for kids and teens, I asked Rachel, my sister's 12-year-old, if she had any questions she thought I should include in the book. Inspired by our conversation, Rachel decided to ask her cousin Ryan, my brother's kid, if he knew that his Uncle Barney-my significant other-was gay. He told her he didn't know.
That night Ryan asked his dad, "Is Uncle Barney gay?" My brother, who was surprised by the question because Ryan has known us as a couple since he was a toddler, answered yes. Next question: "Well, if Uncle Barney is gay, what does that mean about Uncle Eric?" My brother's answer: "Well, he's gay, too." Ryan, with a puzzled look on his face, asked, "How can they be gay? I thought 'gay' was something nasty."
I was shocked because I thought my family and I had done everything right. At age 5, Ryan asked his parents why his uncles slept in the same bed. He got the age-appropriate answer: "Because they love each other." A year later, in advance of our commitment ceremony and following my advice, my brother and sister-in-law explained: "Uncle Eric and Uncle Barney love each other just like Mommy and Daddy love each other. And they're having a ceremony like Mommy and Daddy's wedding."
I figured we'd start getting more questions from Ryan when he turned 11 or 12. But two things hadn't occurred to me. One, that because no one ever applied the word "gay" to me or Barney, Ryan would fail on his own to make that connection. And two, that in the absence of being taught anything positive about gay people at home or in school, he was learning to hate us without even knowing it.
If you think it's not happening, just ask any 10-year-old what you say to someone who is doing something stupid. They'll tell you: "Don't be so gay." It's the all-purpose put-down for people or things that are dumb, uncool, bad. Not that kids necessarily understand the connection between the put-down and homosexual people-obviously, Ryan didn't. They just know that "gay" is something terrible, something you want to avoid being or doing at all costs. It was the same way with the word "faggot" when I was growing up.
I asked my brother if he'd ever heard kids in the neighborhood say, "Don't be so gay." He had. At dinner with his neighbors just days earlier, the neighbors' 6-year-old said to her older brother, who was doing something she didn't like, "Don't be so gay." No one at the table knew what to say, so they said nothing.
The problem is that most people say nothing or, as in my case, not enough. It doesn't have to be like this. For example, at my niece's private school, all seventh graders get an introduction to gay people and gay civil rights-thanks to the efforts of a young civics teacher whose father, not incidentally, is gay. They also have guest speakers from the high school's gay-straight alliance. And this year, for the second time, I was invited to address the entire seventh grade. The kids wind up informed and, I hope, relatively free of hate-for others and themselves.
What they do at my niece's school should be done at every school, public and private. But I'm realistic; abstinence education is more and more the order of the day when it comes to learning about sexuality. And with a conservative Republican administration and House in power-not to mention the 54% of school board members who identified themselves as religious conservatives as of 1996-we can forget about a nationwide program that gives kids straight answers about heterosexual sexuality, let alone anything else.
But we can still do a lot. We can support teachers who want to do the right thing, donate money and time to the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, vote for school board candidates who believe students deserve to be fully informed, and talk to our friends and family about what their kids need to know. And when we have the opportunity, we can talk to the kids in our lives in an age-appropriate and honest way that lets them know what it means to be gay and makes it clear that gay is okay.
The first time I saw Ryan after his discovery that his uncles were something "nasty," I was a little anxious about how things would go. Ryan had always been affectionate and physically easy with me and I worried that he'd now be uncomfortable. And maybe it was that anxiety-that fear of being rejected-that kept me from being more open and honest with him in the first place.
I decided in advance to take the lead with Ryan and act as if nothing had changed. And after what felt like a moment's hesitation on Ryan's part, it really was no different. By that evening, Ryan was sprawled across my lap as I read to him from his favorite book. I was enormously relieved to see that what Ryan feels for his uncle has won out-for now, and I hope, forever.
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